A Night of Comedy VII - Benefitting the Children Affected by AIDS Foundation

I have a stand-up comedy show this Saturday March 14th, 2009 at 8:00 pm. If you are in the area and you are looking for a night of laughs while helping children, then come on out to the show. Appearing on show is Doris Roberts, Ray Romano, Kevin James, Jeffrey Ross, and Bob Sagat.

A Night of Comedy VII

Benefitting the Children Affected by AIDS Foundation

Wilshire Theater, Beverly Hills
8440 Wilshire Blvd
Beverly Hills, CA 90211

Click here for directions.

I just signed up for Twitter, so start following.

Just signed up for Twitter yesterday. I'm not really sure how to use this thing, but I'll figure it out. I'm trying to use Twitter to let people know where I will be performing comedy next as well as keeping you informed of other appearances. If you are interested in following go to www.twitter.com and look for Bryan Callen. You will know it is my official Twitter account if you see my picture in the background. So, start following already. I look forward to keeping you informed.

problems I can't solve

I'm sick of watching the news because they keep giving me problems I can't solve. Some one's killing all the bees! You like honey? Don't worry about it if you don't like HONEY and, oh yeah, FLOWERS! Yeah if you hate honey and flowers don't trouble your little head about the bees dying. ME? I L-UUUUVE bees and flowers. Well, someone's slaying all the bees. They're just vanishing. That's the word the news used "vanishing" . So what am I to do. I don't know how to save the bees! To say nothing of the ELEEE- FANTS. You got TUSK FIENDS out there machine gunning all the Elee-fants. Fuckers! Can you imagine? What'd an Elee-fant ever do to a human? Nothing. I mean there are a few isolated incidents when a captive and "tame" elee-fant will stomp and rend his owner asunder but that only illustrates the fact that an Eleee-fant should never be kept as a pet. fucking assholes! Every time I watch a nature show they always end it with a statement like "Hey hope you enjoyed the show. Aren't elephants cool? Yeah well guess what in like 4 years they'll all be gone thanks to you dirty human people and all your habitat hogging and poaching! The End." I'm always like, noooo..tell me what to do. Do I run an adoption program? What? Do I buy me a M4, shave the pin down and start hunting the elephant killers? I will. (NOT REALLY ACTUALLY, I DON'T HAVE THE ENERGY OR THE KNOW HOW) Flippin Global Warming! Who are these Global warmists? Hmmm...they need to die cuz I have no IDEA how to cool the planet. I really don't. I've been trying to reduce my carbon footprint but not really. In fact, I have no idea how to do even that! And you know what, either do you so just give that some thought before you put that retarded STOP GLOBAL WARMING sticker on the back of your Prius. A hole!

THINGS TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE

Here are the things one must do before they die:

1.Run through a field of wheat.
2.Frolic through a field of wheat.
3.Run through a field of wheat and catch the one you love in your arms, swoon and kiss.
4.Run through a field of wheat on a horse and steal a wench from a neighboring village.
5.Run through a field of wheat on a HORSE, SWORD hung low and CHOP some A holes head off. Then REAR UP ON THE HORSE WHILE RAISING YOUR BLOOD STAINED SWORD IN THE AIR. This has it's best effect when done in slow motion. That takes excellent horsemanship and lots of practice.

6.Ride a killer whale.

(directions)
a.Hold it's dorsal fin at first.
b. build your courage
c. Now, let it push you up in the air and forward on it's NOSE! Keep your body firm as fuck head thrust back, hands splayed jazz style and at the hips.

7. Find a man who's being a creep to a woman and surprise -sock him in the tummy

(directions below)

Say some girl's reading on a park bench or minding her own biz on the tread mill and some Yo Yo comes up and starts in with the business, he's pawing his own crotch, he smells like soup, wearing jewelry, he's dropping names like Oliver Stone and other people he knows, in short - a closet rapist. Now, walk up to him and sock him as hard as you can in his stomach. (Always stomach because it doesn't leave a mark so no one can prove shit). Also, when you punch someone in the face you'll break skin and it's not sanitary.

Note: I realize many guys don't know how to throw a punch which means #1 you're not a real American and # 2 you need to go learn how immediately. Power comes from the hips and the upper body must stay soft. Supple. What's actually hitting the dude is your body NOT your arm. Keep the arm fixed..anyway, google the rest. I don't have time to teach you punching - online.

8. Hunt and kill your own food at least once. FISHING doesn't count and if you kill a deer it can't be with some long range hunting rifle. That's horseshit and means nothing. Cross bows are acceptable but only if you're handicapped. Otherwise all killing must be done with a SPEAR, BOW AND ARROW, MORNING STAR, AXE, SLING, SNARE (home made using only what's in the forest) SACK OF ROCKS, NUN CHUCKS, THROWING STARS (just kidding, throwing stars are a total hoax. you could take fifty throwing stars the head and torso in truth and all it would do is mark you up a lot =fake weapon) OR KNIFE.

you can submit other weapons for review and I'll yea or nay as is appropriate.

That's all for now though there are a ton of other things one must do of a more altruistic manner. Stay tuned.